I waited longer for the glimmer
Of the Lord than I thought I could,
Or would, or should, but waiting
Inside the waiting,
I was answered.
I gave myself up for lost.
My head slipped below the water
And my life listed to unsaid silence.
My days were cracked, kettled consonants
Succeeded by rhymeless nights.
Before my feet found any purchase,
But after my strength gave out,
He caught me. He reeled out
Rescue and set me firm again.
My mouth had run out
Of ways to say help,
To say come, to say now, Lord!
I didn’t get what I wanted. Instead,
I got beams of rosegold
On leaves bright as pennies;
The martins circling year and again;
The clear air at the storm tail of summer;
The starless, sunless sky;
Water barely dimpled for ghost feet;
The slow consolation of self-forgetting.
It was all more song than I could say or sing,
So I listened longer and
Said thank you.
I trusted to the trust,
And graced myself to the grace. God,
You fractaled out in split beams.
You flung your wonder
Work wide across the sky.
Your welling mind fountained full
Of thoughts of me.
You never wanted me to barter
A better deal with you,
Though I tired myself with trying.
You wanted me to wait until
The quiet filled me all the way up.
So here I am. My hands are empty.
My plans are gone.
Pierce me straight through,
And scrawl your lines on
The paper walls of my living heart.
The whole story brims over
And runs out of me.
I can’t hold it back. I was lost
But I did not stay lost.
I slipped into the blank dark,
But light broke loose and
Took my whole life with it.
Now, when I hear my name, I listen.
Now, I know the waiting is the rescue.
Now, when I open my mouth
A whole river runs out.
For a long time, I was afraid
You would only portion out
Your kindness to me,
Peddling it in misered,
Stinted bits like meager pennies.
After all, haven’t I had whole years
Sundered shear? Hasn’t the dark sated itself
On my failures like they were honey
And my life was only winter bees?
Did you mark each thing I lost to the water?
I can’t remember their names,
Only see the narrowing space between the loves
In my heart they used to hold open.
But when your grace rose and ran
It was sunrise; it was floodtide. I was shaken,
Pressed down, pierced, and running over.
I was spooling out in the wind and lifted.
I was snatched away and safe again.
The prayers I even forgot all rang yes in a snap.
You see what is arrayed against me.
You have counted my long odds and numbered
The ones who delight to do me wrong.
Appall them. Hurl them back.
Do them harm. Shame them to stillness,
Rend their hearts hard in half.
But come find me just in time,
Along with everyone who ever ran to you
As their first turn or last resort.
Then, I’ll welcome in the welcome
Then, I’ll rest in the rest.
Follow the Darkling Psalter at https://darklingpsalter.substack.com
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
