Psalm 41—I followed my own road home and found fear waiting

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Rendition of Psalm 41

You laid long lines in the world, 
And trod out paths for our feet to follow.
You said, “This is the good way—walk in it.”

The one who gives away what she gained,
Will find a goodness that time won’t wear down,
Will find grace a sunbeam in the blank dark.
The one whose repentance 
Sears stripes in her failures,
Will find lies don’t last as long as they should.
The one who makes a bed of her own grave, 
Will wake in a new world, 
Blinking at the light.

But that is not the way I went.
I followed my own road home and 
Found fear waiting. I fell sick
And begged for healing that never came.
Anxieties buzzed like flies. I waved them away,
And they returned in the wake of my hand.
I was never good at hiding what I suffered.
I knew something was wrong,
But found the wrong names for it.
My head ached. I barely ate. I lost weight.
Friends I thought I had took my secrets
And set them where all could see.
They laid wagers on whether this was the end,
Or if I could last a little longer.

Lord, do you still delight in me
Though I found a life I never thought I’d lead?
Then wrap the slender thread
Of my prayer around your finger
And do not let my troubles win.
Take me in. Hold me fast. 
Give me back the dogged days I lost at last. 

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