Three Psalms for When the Walk with God Is Harder than You Thought It Would Be

Psalm 23—When I meet the shadow falling between the way I wanted and the way I went—I will fear no evil.

The Lord is my shepherd.
With him, I lack nothing.
He guides me in the last way left—
Farthest round and the first home.
He walks me to the river
And settles stillness over me
Like a tree at the water's edge.
He seeks me when I wander 
Into danger and don’t come home.
He leads me along the good paths
For his name’s sake.

Even when I wander at the violet hour;
When wolf fears steal in to take 
A share and howl in the hills;
When the count of days only climbs
And nothing goes right;
When I meet the shadow falling
Between the way I wanted
And the way I went—
I will fear no evil.
You are with me.
Your rod and staff are my comfort,
My shepherd and chevalier.

I wanted to be swept off,
Taken somewhere safe, 
But you met me here instead 
And set a table down in the middle 
Of the people I learned 
To love to hate.
You striped my brow with oil.
The cup of my lifted hands
Is fuller than I could hope to hold.
None of it is what I wanted,
But you shepherd me still.
Surely, goodness and mercy,
With rest and trust and consolation,
Will hallow round me, 
Will find and bind me,
All the days of my life.
And I will live where you live forever.

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Psalm 38—I chewed black thoughts like cracked bones and made a meal of my sin’s marrow.

God, in your anger, do not set me aside.
I suffered the length of your chastening.
Your arrows have fallen all around me.
Your hand pressed me into the ground.
You heaved my heart whole over.

I am all raw wounds.
My heart is scoured bright as brass—
Abraded, burnished, blazing hot
Under the blast of your wrath.
My peace is choked
Because I chewed black thoughts
Like cracked bones and made 
A meal of my sin’s marrow.
My wrongs have doubled back on me
And I can’t bear them.

My rot flesh hangs in strips.
The fester stinks.
All day, I ​​shuffle through drifts of sorrow.
My feet are bleeding in my shoes
As I walk the long lanes of grief.
My prayers fall in soft sift
That drops to muddy slosh behind me.
A fire has made a home in my flesh.
I keep patting my chest to put it out,
But the fever won’t quit.
My bones are brittle as coral. 
My eyes shine like opals,
And I hold my limbs with care
As if they might snap off. 
I’m bound and bowed and brought low. 
My body bends to the ground
As if I am already grinning down
Into my grave.

None of this is secret.
It happens under the open face of heaven.
You see me, Lord.
You hear the long lament 
Singing out of me all day 
And through the black hours of night.
Those friends I loved stand away.
Even my brothers press their hands to their mouths
And shake their heads.
But those who want to hurt me draw near.
Their thoughts are dark chasms,
But their words are all bright as knives 
That leave fresh red ribbons
In my mind when I think of them.

I would fill my mouth with arguments
And my ears with my own defense,
But instead, I am dumb and stuttering and stunned.
Lord, you know how I would trade 
My heart for any hope I could lay hands on
If it promised me a way out.
So set your silence on me. 
Staunch me, stop me,
Hold me hard at bay.
Give me the stillness that isn’t peace,
But has the seeds of peace in it. 

You are the last word I’m waiting for.
If you are not my defense, I have no defense.
I know your answers start
Before I know to ask.
I know they take a long time 
And aren’t made of words, but of moments 
Stacked one on another.

I am ready to fall.
My pain is set plainly before me.
I can hardly hide it,
Nor keep it a secret,
Nor find the smallest, furtive,
Fugitive minute to forget it.
I didn’t know this is what I bargained for
When I gathered my folly
To my chest in great-armed heaps.
Visit me even here, Lord.
I want to begin again.
Show me what is good
Even if it makes this all the worse.

Curb the joy of those
Who rejoice when I fall.
I will tell all my wrongs. 
I will hold nothing back.
I will foreswear all the misbegotten loves
That have made a home in my heart.

Do not cast me off, but stay with me.
Even now, rush to help me.
Level out a rollicking, bracing, lavisher love. 
My chevalier in stride, have your way!
Cast back black sorrow.
Know no bounds. Breach and breast 
High over every hindrance.
Show me what it feels like 
To be safe and saved.

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Psalm 5—I never thought my hope would fail, but I have watched it wear to a nub.

Lord, hear me out. 
My hope is barely a whisper.
I have only a sigh for prayer;
A Godflung, gossamer breath
That flashes like spider silk
And is gone. I can tell
I am not who I used to be.
I never thought my hope would fail
But I have watched it wear to a nub.
Now, I arrange all my needs in a row.
I raise my voice when there are words
And raise a song when there are not.
Hear me, Lord. Watch. Remember.

No stain mars you; no evil marks you.
Nothing boastful can stand 
Before you and beat its chest.
Yet here I am, broken and bent;
Scattered, trussed, and tumbling.
I feared all the wrong things.
I chased what you hate 
And called it good.
There is more than blood on my hands,
And two lies for every truth on my lips.
I’ve been a harlot to the mirror’s glances.
I draw near to you and
I can barely lift my head, yet, 
Your goodness cascades over me.
There is no end of it, but addition.
I didn’t know it would be like this.
I spent so long trying
To earn a kindness 
That was already mine;
Afraid I would never find a grace
That I could not lose.

Lord, lay a straight path in front of me.
Lead me in your way.
I have come this far,
But I am harried by so many things
That would eat me alive.
I can’t seem to shake them.
They entice me with words
As wide as open graves.
I know I will find only trouble;
I know their lies are ghost lights,
But I still want to follow.
End this, Lord. Collapse
This down around our ears.
Scatter the rabble dogging me
And teach me to say yes 
To what is good.

If I ever needed a refuge,
It is now. Shelter me. 
Hear my prayer. Gather me in
That everyone you love
Could be here in one place,
Could lift our heads and laugh
And raise a strong song.
You are a shelter and a shield.
There is no other.

Photo by Vadim Koza on Unsplash